Left behind
by Tristana
Summary: Kouga just woke up and the only thing he can think of is that Muramasa actually abandoned him when he needed him - after having used him. Wrote it before the end of the Zanpakutou Arc


**Title:** Left behind

**Author:** Tristana

**Fandom:** Bleach

**Disclaimer:** Me do not own Bleach, else there would be lotsa smut everywhere, and someone would actually have beaten some sense in Hisagi and Kazeshini already. Duh.

**Warning: Spoiler for episode 250…** You are warned.

**Summary:** Just a little something that sprang to my mind when learning about Kouga (who is absolute hotness… hairstyle has me linking him to Yumi… ahem… like 'weird fashion sense-club'… Duh… And Muramasa is kinda cute when angsty… (I'm weird.)

Basically, I get a feeling that Kouga felt used and left behind by Muramasa – come on, this guy manipulates other zanpakutou, why not his shinigami? I might come up with a Muramasa POV ficcy later on, because I don't think that Muramasa would have said earlier that he killed his master lightly. He might feel like he kinda killed him – well, Kouga looks quite like some kind of ageing/dying dude. Tell me what you think?

I know there are – plenty of – chances of me making them OOC. Sorry about that…

* * *

"I have waited so long for this moment to happen."

Words – the words from someone who suffered a great deal for too long. You looked so relieved – almost merry to see me. I saw it in your eyes – for once, you did not hide your feelings.

How can you stand before me, while I still hold your broken form in my tightening grip? For decades I held you, thinking you were with me in my isolation. You were not. Once again, you were roaming the world. I know you did so to save me – I did not want to be saved. I wanted you to stay with me. You did not.

"We are one." Those words sound so empty now. You left me here to rot alone in this prison. I know you suffered to – the pain in your eyes is obvious – incomprehension cast a brilliant shade in your eyes. Have you any idea of what I went through? I know you have.

And still, you left. To save me you say… But you said it yourself: "We only need one another." Whatever became of these soft spoken, comforting words? Were they words given to a child for him to follow you? I needed you so much – not to rescue me – just to be here with me. Never has my inner world seemed so barren than in your absence. I never really saw you then, but you were here. I could not sense you but the handle in my hand made me believe that you were here.

How can you come back to me now, while I stand before you in this crippled state? I am the beautiful man I was no more. Strong, I still am. This shard of steel in your body… feel it sinking and twisting, for this would be an echo of the pain I had to endure all this time. Alone.

He was right… I should have known better. I let you guide me, control me, even. To think that I believed I was free. I was not and can't think of a day when I will be. You will always be there to haunt me. Would I kill you now? I wouldn't know. All I know is that I want to hurt you – hurt you like I was. I once told you I would never take orders from you – it was a lie. I feel like I always have been a toy in your hands.

To what end, I know not. Couldn't you see, Muramasa? I wanted them to recognize me, to acknowledge me – but what I wanted above everything else was you to accept me as a whole. For I know believe that I never quite mastered you, is that right? Even the most unwilling zanpakutou would admit it when mastered. But you… you were an enigma.

My personal enigma – the question mark that seemed to always punctuate the story of my life…

Muramasa, I wish I could turn back the time and understand what I did so badly. Please, don't look at me like this – I know you cared. And you still do. Perhaps this is the worse… To know that you actually cared for me – loved me? – and that my own foolishness brought us here.

For I know all to well that even though you were the one to leave me in this place, I was the one putting myself in it at first. And I left you behind.

Those tears of blood in your eyes… I wish I saw them before – your pain and mine entwined. And somehow, I wish we could both ask for forgiveness – and forgive.

* * *

Please, tell me what you think about it? I love to discuss characters - especially guys' like these two... love those zanpakutou to bits - excepts the reaaaaaaaaaaaaaally dumb or inexpressive ones... Ahem...


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